I want to spend some time talking about visitations. If you are new to foster care, or even if your own family is going through a separation or divorce, you may be getting introduced and familiarized with the idea of visitations. You might also find yourself experiencing and getting familiarized with emotions and behaviors surrounding visitations. Behaviors both from the kiddos, and the adults involved. I wrote this post with the hope to encourage you during these potentially difficult times. Hopefully, through this post, and others to follow, I can provide some insight on why the children and adults in your life act the way they do, why visits are important, and how to prepare yourself and your family for visits, and be as successful as possible.
Statistically speaking, half of all marriages end in divorce. That being said, many of you may have experience with broken families. If you were lucky enough, you were able to continue your relationship with both of your parents. If you were privileged to have parents who still worked together and put you first, what could have been the messiest time of your family’s life may have been almost bearable. This is not to equate divorce to foster care, but to hopefully demonstrate some similarities between divorce and foster care, and how to make the entire experience as least traumatic as possible. As with foster care, the way the adults interact with each other, respect each other, and work together to put the needs of the children first, has a huge impact on how traumatic the experience can be for the children, and the adults for that matter.
Ever since I began this journey, and based on my previous upbringing, I keep coming back to the feeling that foster care is like a reversed divorce. There are so many similarities, and I have a lot of experience with visitations through foster care, that I felt it could be beneficial to provide a bit of perspective on how the adults and children involved in your particular case may feel and how they may react.
The Adults
No mater what the circumstances, I can guarantee that the parents of the children you are caring for do not feel good about having their children removed by CPS (Child Protective Services.) They may feel wronged, victimized, ashamed, scared, angry, overwhelmed, defensive, hopeless, confused, and so much more. Put yourself in their position; what emotions would consume you if your children were suddenly and forcibly removed from your care and placed with strangers?
Keep this in mind when you are thinking about visitations with your kiddo. Put yourself in the bio-family’s situation, how would you feel? How would you want to be treated, especially in one of your darkest moments?
Maybe you want to drop your kiddo off at a visit and are personally excited to meet the family of your kiddos and make small talk. Keep in mind though, they might be overwhelmed and angry with the situation they are in. You may be so excited to receive a placement, and have a beautiful and amazing new kiddo in your home, but please remember the trauma that is kids coming into care in the first place. It is crucial to be empathetic to all parties involved.
” Put yourself in their position; what emotions would consume you if your children were suddenly and forcibly removed from your care and placed with strangers? “
The Kids
Even now, I can remember the intense anxiety I felt as a child before a visit when my parent was supposed to pick me up. I had to pack my bags and hope someone was on the way to pick me up. I can clearly remember when my adult was one minute late, assuming that they forgot or didn’t want to see me. I can clearly remember the sadness of having no one show up. My siblings were much younger and had less understanding as to why our parents had split in the first place, but the younger kids often shared my anxiety and once we were returned home, they would often act out. Yelling, fighting, and general defiance.
As an adult, think how hard it can be to talk about your own feelings and emotions. Try now and think about how confusing and difficult it must be for a child who does not have the vocabulary or experience to express what they are feeling. They need time, space, love, and comfort. There are going to be a multitude of reactions and behaviors on visit day, and it can be very difficult for you, but just remember that it is much more difficult for your kiddo.
Extended Family
In a divorce, separation, or foster care, it is easy to focus on the main parties involved; you and the other parent. You will quickly and often be reminded that there are other people in the world who care and have a vested interest in the situation. For better or worse, you will find that there is extended family, friends, nosey neighbors, etc, who will feel they need to have an opinion in the matter.
As a foster parent, you may find friends and relatives thinking that they are taking “your side”, but not being understanding of the situation of the child. You may also encounter family of the kiddo, who are not the most understanding, supportive, or helpful, but are very passionate. The same can be said about a family going through divorce or separation. It is often natural for people to “choose sides”. As a responsible adult who is trying to care for and protect a child, it is your responsibility to protect the privacy of the situation, provide extended family who “chose your side” appropriate information without creating additional bias, and to handle criticism or differences of opinion from family for the bio-family with understanding, acceptance, and reserve, as to not react or take it personally. Always remember that the children are watching, learning, and impacted by how the adults, all of them, act during this difficult time.
The Pets
When I was a child, on visitations away from my home, my pets had a really hard time. My pets were distraught when ever I left for overnights. Sniffing around the whole house, defecating and vomiting in the house. They are part of the family too, they sense change and they feel your emotions. They care, they worry, they empathize, and they mourn. As foster parents, after reunification, or during visits, our pets do not know what to do with themselves. If you have pets, give them TLC in the meantime. It will help them and you.
In Conclusion
In our experience we would say, give the adults, the kids, and yourselves some grace on visit days. Visitation can be difficult for all involved, but it is also very important and the way the adults respond and interact has a huge impact.
Please read our next post, about our tips on how to set everyone up for success on visitation days, 10 Tips for a Successful Foster Care Visit.
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