We are very excited to share a guest post from Emergency Mamas. It is wonderful to find like minded Foster Parents who also share honest glimpses into their world and the hard work we do as foster parents. Although we are on the same journey, it is very interesting and informative for us read the experiences and perspectives of others, and see the similarities and differences. We hope you enjoy their post and blog as much as we do!
How Would You Rate Your Pain?
You know when you go to the doctor and they ask you to rate your pain, using some numbers and smiling/frowning faces on a little chart?
Typically, people rank much higher than they actually are feeling because the vast majority of us only know moderate pain. If you can sit up, talk to the doctor, and you drove yourself to the office…your pain is not an 8. It might be a 5.
We, as humans, are prone to exaggeration. From that comes overreacting, general pessimism, and other such behaviors. I think sometimes we lose sight of the worst times because time has a tendency to cause sharp edges to dull, including those associated with sharp, painful memories. That amount of time can vary, though, and is highly dependent on each person’s personality, the intensity of the event itself, and our coping strategies after the pain.
I’m not here to tell you that “time heals all wounds”. It doesn’t. Not even close. If anything, we heal our wounds but not all wounds heal and not all of them heal the same. I also think it’s important to note what I mean by “heal” and what people think when someone says that time will “heal” all wounds. “Heal” does not mean erase, “heal” does not mean an absence of pain, it just means the wound is closed.
Let’s think about how the human body heals itself.
The process is slow; excruciatingly slow in some instances. The blisters appear, the scabs itch, the skin sheds, or the sore weeps. It’s gross. Your body makes weird fluids in response to that burn or cut or brush with poison ivy. It can make you sick as you poison the cancer out of your own cells, trying to drive out death.
Even when the healing is done, the body never gets it 100% right. The wound, provided it’s more than a paper cut or a bruised knee, won’t heal perfectly. You’re no longer sporting the wound itself probably, but more than likely there’s a scar or some other indication of the trauma. The freckles from the sunburn you got when you were 12, the scar on your forearm from the time you brushed against the oven rack retrieving a pan of chicken, or the self-harming scars in various locations.
The wounds are closed. The body is back to being sealed, but the evidence remains. You can look at your new decal and remember how it got there (or maybe sometimes you can’t remember, which is okay, too). Sometimes you can remember the itch of the scab or the sharp pain of the stitches and it feels like it’s happening. You reach and touch the old site and remember that it’s in the past, your body isn’t in pain. Usually that’s enough to stop the phantom feelings, but not always.
Emotional trauma is very much like physical trauma, but it’s also very different. Your mind heals, your heart heals, but they don’t do it perfectly. You have scars where you didn’t before. You have phantom itches or pain. You are changed by those wounds, your brain rewires and adapts to its surroundings as best it can, changing things about you that you don’t realize have changed until you’re on the other side, wondering why the fuck you just did that crazy thing you just did.
We try to find home remedies for our wounds, whether physical, mental, or emotional. We drink herbal tea to calm our minds and hearts, or we drink alcohol to dull our minds and quiet our hearts. We seek out friendships or cut off friendships, hoping that the companionship (or lack thereof) will help with the storm raging inside of us.
Sometimes, but not often enough, we realize that these home remedies are not cutting it and we need medical attention. We call our doctor or our therapist, sometimes both. We tell them about our wounds, our scars, our phantom itches. They (the good ones, anyway) give us suggestions or medications or refer us to specialists they feel can help. Hopefully, we follow their advice and things improve…even if the scars don’t.
Sometimes we don’t call on medical professionals for help. Our home remedies work or we…pretend they work so we don’t have to think about the itching, seeping wounds on our bodies or our souls. We just wish them or will them away until they become infected and spread, leeching the life out of us.
I have been ignoring my wounds, letting them fester and grow on my heart.
- I feel hurt by the loss of our first son, even though we knew the loss was coming.
- I feel wronged by our agency, who preached about a great need for foster families that they do not have. They have vastly more foster homes than they do kids, but they continue to license and market and beg for more homes.
- I feel exhausted by being unfulfilled in my work.
- I feel sad that our son’s family wants nothing to do with us after they assured us we would always have a place in his life.
- I feel desperate to foster again, to be a mom again, to help a kid and to have a distraction that would put K further back in my mind.
- I feel sick that that is selfish and I can’t change the desire, even knowing it’s wrong.
- I feel guilty that part of my desire means wanting a child ripped from their home so they can come into mine. That’s wrong and I’m working on it.
- I feel panicked that my phone might ring and I’ll miss it again.
I have tried home remedies long enough and it’s time, now, to call in the medical professionals. My pain is a 2, but it’s a nagging, persistent 2. I can go to work, I can teach my kid’s program, I can play video games, I can love my pets, I can love my wife, and I can love my friends. But I can’t get through a day without worrying about K, obsessing over our next placement, or kicking myself for my mistakes last week.
So, readers, how would you rate your pain?~ J
About Emergency Mamas:
E is an engineer and works at a distribution center. She used to travel for work, but changed jobs in 2016 to be able to spend more time with her family. She is educated, well-read, fiercely strong, and selfless in her actions. Where her wife is emotional, E is logical and thinks all the way through a situation before making a decision.
J is an environmental scientist who works in manufacturing. She has unending compassion for those in need, although most of her focus was on furry creatures before now. She is smart, driven, and will put in the work to get things done. She is the emotional component of the relationship and often relies on E to balance her out when things get heavy.
The marriage is built on two fundamental things: selflessness and honesty. Both women are servant-hearted, eager to please the other through kind acts like small gifts or completing menial chores around the house so the other doesn’t have to. They are honest with each other to a fault, sometimes saying truthful things that are painful or uncomfortable in order to maintain open lines of communication and a strong foundation of trust.
For another very interesting post by Emergency Mamas, check out There’s been a mistake, to get a glimpse of the state of foster care in their community.
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