When we started this blog, one of the first posts we each wrote, was a “Why I Do Foster Care” post. Over the years, it has been beneficial for me to revisit this post periodically. Being a foster parent is hard. There are a lot of amazing aspects to being a foster parent, but just like anything, sometimes the difficulties and frustrations wear on you and can grind you down.
When I wrote my original “Why I Do This” post, we were early on in our foster care journey, full of anticipation, hopefulness, and genuine good nature. We became foster parents because we wanted to help. We wanted to help children in need, parents in need, a system in need… And we still do. Reading that post in difficult times, reflecting on why we started this journey, and remembering how we got to “now” can be a great reminder and inspire in trying and overwhelming or exhausting times.
We became foster parents because we wanted to help. We wanted to help children in need, parents in need, a system in need… And we still do.
When I reread the post, I now know that I was naive, but that also lets me know that my intentions were pure. It is an important reminder to focus on the “why” and the “intent” when the day to day reality and the hurdles can discourage you. There is a lot of joy, love, and beauty in being a foster parent, but at times it can also be a very difficult journey. If you forget the reasons “why” you wanted to be a foster parent, the difficulties, heartache, frustration, confusion, sadness, and sometimes even anger that comes with the role could easily overwhelm you.
In my original post I listed the following reasons for why I am a foster parent:
- Kids Need to Be Loved
- Because I Can
- There is a Need
- I Don’t Know, but I Love It
- I Don’t Know
While all of these items still feel true to me, I also think that they have taken on a little different meaning or perspective since the naiveté has worn off. Now I feel like a seasoned foster parent vet, even after just a handful of years. Here is a brief update on what these reasons mean to me now.
Kids Need to Be Loved
Absolutely. With 13 kiddos coming into our family, not only does every one of those kids need to be loved, they deserve to be loved, and they want to be loved. That is not saying that they were not loved before, it is saying that no matter what is going on in their life at that moment, they need to be loved and deserve to be loved. I often try, but can’t imagine the emotions rushing through a kiddo’s brain and body when they come into care, and when they are in care. During that time, they need love, and we can give that to them. It is important that during these difficult times for kids and families, that they also get the love that they need. I am a foster parent, to be there and give kids in care the love and support they need, when they need it, and for as long as they need it.
Since the initial post, I have also learned, that some kids in care often need to see love and relationships modeled in a healthy way. I feel now, that part of my role as a foster parent is to also model love and relationships in a healthy way. So kids need to be loved, and see love and healthy relationships.
Because I Can
“Because I can” was a major factor in why I first became a foster parent. There were plenty of reasons not to become a foster parent, but the argument against becoming a foster parent was always trumped by the internal debate of “why become a foster parent”, which could always be answered with “because I can”. I realized not everyone can be a foster parent, and that we were in a place in our life where becoming a foster parent was a possibility. Even today, when people ask me why I became a foster parent, or why I am still a foster parent, after all of the difficulties we have endured, my answer is often “because I can”. It is true; I can and I want to, and these kids and families deserve the support of their community.
Our life’s have changed so much in the past years since we became foster parents, and there may become a time where we no longer feel that “we can” do foster care. We are coming to terms with that possibility, but no matter what happens, we are happy that we said “yes” because we could. If we do stop fostering, I know that we will continue to do whatever else we can to support kids in care, families in need, and a system that needs improvement, “because we can”.
There is a Need
I hate that this is still a reason why I am a foster parent. Unfortunately, in Oregon, and much of the United States, there is a foster care crisis. There are not enough homes to place the kids who come into care. I know that “I can” and there is a need. As much as we enjoying fostering kiddos, giving them love, and supporting their families when possible, I will not be sad the day that DHS stops calling us to see if we are able to care for a child because there is no need. There still is a need, but I sure do hope that there is a day when there is a surplus of foster homes, and no kids to place with them, because society has stepped up to support families who are struggling, before they need to have their kids removed.
I Don’t Know But I Love It
We all do things that aren’t logical, or we don’t have an explanation of why we do it, other than we enjoy it. I do a lot of things in my life that are hard, or at the very least are not easy and do not make my life easier, but I do them because I enjoy them. There is often beauty in the struggle. There can be a lot of struggle in foster care, but there is also a lot of beauty. Remembering why I foster helps me appreciate the beauty just a little bit more. But day in and day out, deep down, I know I do love this journey for what it is.
I Don’t Know
A lot of things in life can’t be explained logically, or can’t be summed up in a single statement. There are a lot of logical reasons for us to not be foster parents. Especially after the struggles we have endured over these past few years. The heartache of kids leaving, the uncertainty of timelines, the attachment, the frustrations with the system, boundaries being crossed, all are reasons to say we are no longer able to do foster care. But I am learning that a lot of things in life do not have logical answers, can not be planned, and should just be accepted. We do this because we can, because we know that kids need to be loved, deserve to be loved, and we have love to give.
Remember Why
It can happen with anything. The daily grind takes over the narrative, and you lose sight of why you started in the first place. It happens at work, it happens at home, it happens with personal goals, and everything in between. You embark on the journey, and the going gets tough. Sometimes it gets extremely tough. With foster care, there are so many things that are hard. You could have a new placement, a kiddo leave your home, a difficult caseworker, a very agonizing and drawn out case with no clear path, a child with extreme behaviors, or any other myriad of difficulties and frustrations that wear on you. When the times get tough, it can be very helpful to revisit why you started the journey in the first place. If those values still ring true to you now, that can be the necessary motivation to continue on.
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