Charles/Alyssa, 8, 2
This is where our status as an “emergency placement” home takes a hiatus. We received a call in the late evening, letting us know that there was a sibling set of three that were just removed and needed an immediate placement. We were in no position to take three children, and we let DHS know that. They asked if we could at least take two kiddos. We asked what ages, and they said whichever ages you would like, “we have 8, 4 and 2”. In the moment, it was hard to concentrate and make an informed decision, so we left it up to DHS. They said they were on their way to our house, and would most likely be bringing the 8-year old and 2-year old. At this point, we asked “what gender?” and were met with silence. Eventually, the placement worker said “not sure… I assumed girls, but I am just guessing”. It was clear that the situation was chaotic.
About 20-minutes later, unmarked state vehicles were parked in front of our house, and two children, an 8-year old boy, and a 2-year old girl were walking up our front steps. To this day, it is heart breaking to reminisce on their appearance and condition when they arrived. The best word to describe their appearance is “filthy”, and we do not use that word lightly. They were both covered in dirt and grime, so much so that their skin color changed after the second bath each of them had. The 8-year old boy had dreads in his hair from tangles, and shoes that were too small his toes had ripped through the front. The 2-year old girl was very scared, and was wearing rain boots, no pants, no diaper, and a t-shirt. We were told that they were removed from under a bridge, the family was suffering from houselessness, and that the police found them due to a domestic violence incident.
What about the 4-year old you ask? Well she was actually 13-months old, and placed in another foster home.
Within a few days, DHS had found a long term placement for Charles, the 8-year old boy. It was a person who was familiar with the family and the case, and they wanted to care for Charles, and only Charles. From the beginning, it was very apparent that Charles and Alyssa had different fathers, so we assumed that for one reason or another, they had more of a connection with Charles. To be fair, Charles is a lot like Trevor, and is a lot of work.
Because he already had a relationship with this family, Charles was comfortable moving to their home after a couple of days at our house, although it was apparent that he was nervous about his little sisters living away from him and in separate homes.
We said we could care for Alyssa for a week or so, but that we needed assistance from DHS during the day, since we both work full time. For the short term, DHS sent a case aide over every morning to pick Alyssa up and to play with her all day, then return her when we were home from work. This was not sustainable, but DHS was supposed to be looking for a long term placement for Alyssa and her little sister while this was happening. However, after a couple of weeks, it became apparent that either they weren’t looking, or it was harder to find a long term placement than we were anticipating. Either way, we asked DHS for help finding daycare for Alyssa, with the understanding that we would care for this cute little almost three-year old for the next month if they couldn’t find a long term home.
The month came and went, and there was not a hint of transition. Towards the end of the month, we reached out to DHS, and they offered to assist with daycare for the next month. One thing our readers may or may not be aware of, is that at this point, Jewell was 8-months pregnant with our first bio-child. So, although we were happy for the daycare assistance, and grateful to spend up to another month with Alyssa, we felt that we needed to tell DHS that Alyssa needed to be moved from our home by the end of the month. We were a bit overwhelmed because the baby would be coming soon. DHS agreed to the plan, and to look for a long term placement where Alyssa and her little sister could be together.
We were a bit overwhelmed because the baby would be coming soon.
Despite constant check-ins with DHS, we received little information about the status of finding a placement for Alyssa, let alone her and her sister together. The end of the month was rapidly approaching, and we were preparing for the call from DHS, the one that says “we couldn’t find her a placement, could you keep her for another month?”. Instead, we received a much more disturbing and frustrating call. This is how we remember it:
DHS: “Uh hi. I see here that Alyssa needs to leave your home today. If you just want to send her to daycare with her belongings, we can pick her up at 5 and bring her to her new home.”
Us: “Umm… excuse me? Did you find a place for her and her siblings? Uh, it is not possible for us to send her to daycare with ‘her belongings’, she has a lot of stuff that we have gotten her over the last couple of months. She had a birthday with us last week… she has a bike and a play kitchen… what is going on? We are not trying to ghost out of her life”.
Hopefully it is needless to say, but we did not send Alyssa to school with “her belongings”, just to abandon her. It felt like we were being asked to have her experience another traumatic “removal”, to disrupt her placement, to traumatize Trevor, to show Trevor that one day, he might go to school and not come back to our house. This entire time, we had been asking for a thoughtful transition. This phone call made it clear that Alyssa, and our family, had become a calendar reminder on Outlook for DHS.
New Appointment: “Remove Alyssa from current placement”
At this point, we realized that if we wanted the best for Alyssa, we needed to advocate for her, and take it upon ourselves to make sure the agency does what is best for her and our family. We sent e-mails to our certifier, the caseworker, their supervisors, and anyone else we could think of, and told them that we were not comfortable with how things were going. Eventually, after calls from the placement desk, asking us for more information about Alyssa’s personality, temperament, delays, and social skills with other children and/or pets, we had to tell DHS that we were overwhelmed, needed space, and would appreciate if they stopped incessantly reaching out to us while simultaneously trying to rip Alyssa from our family. We explained that what we were hoping for was a thoughtful transition, not a traumatic removal, and that even though we are overwhelmed, we would rather be overwhelmed and caring for Alyssa, than ghosting out of her life. We signed off, by letting DHS know that we would not “drop off” Alyssa at their doorstep unexpectedly, and that once things calmed down, we would reach back out to DHS and try and come up with a path forward.
We explained that what we were hoping for was a thoughtful transition, not and traumatic removal, and that even though we are overwhelmed, we would rather be overwhelmed and caring for Alyssa, than ghosting out of her life
Once we were able to calm down and think things through, we decided that what is best for Alyssa, and, selfishly us too, is for her to stay with us while her case takes its course. Part of the reason was because we saw how attached she was to our entire family. Another aspect was that we didn’t feel like we could trust DHS to make decisions with her or our family’s best interest in mind. Finally, we have to admit that, coupled with the other reasons, we also got attached and couldn’t let her leave unless it was for reunification or adoption. Foster care is hard, and it is alright to get attached, in fact, it is necessary. We firmly believe that our love and attachment to Alyssa has allowed us to make difficult choices, but the right choices.
So this is where we take a break from emergency placements. Our home is full, and we are overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with kids, overwhelmed with love. Overwhelmed with laundry, overwhelmed with laughter. Overwhelmed with appointments, overwhelmed with support.
What about Charles and Alyssa’s little sister, you ask? Well, Charles is thriving in his current placement. It is clear they love him dearly, and are helping him get the supports he needs for therapy and education. Alyssa’s little sister, Ainsley, was cared and deeply loved for by her initial placement, but we and DHS agreed that it was important that if all of the kids could not be placed in the same home, at least the little girls should be in the same home. We asked DHS to look for a home that could take both girls, and after about a month of searching for a potential placement, it became apparent that we were that home. We are currently transitioning Ainsley to our home, and by the time this post is up, she will be placed with us for the long term.
***This is the sixth and final post in a series documenting our experience having emergency placements. A link to other posts in this series is below***
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Bless you..we were also emergency foster parents to 3 children, one of whom is still our son even though he has aged out and thriving on hisvown now. I loved reading your blog and relate to much of it.
Thanks for reading. I am glad you enjoyed and can relate. Thank you for everything you have done for children in care. It is great to hear about other’s journey and it great to hear that you gained a son and he is thriving.
I loved reading this series. I can relate to so much of it. I’m a mother of 3 bio children and over 60 foster children. Over my three year span of being a foster mom, we have had long term placements, emergency placements, and respite. It has been quite the adventure.
Wow, thank you for caring for these kids! We thought that 13 in two-years was a a lot, but you give us a new perspective. Glad you found the blog and that you can relate to the adventure.