When you become a foster parent and open your home to a kiddo in need, you are welcoming a child into your home out of love and necessity. The reason you open your home to a child is because at your core you want to love and care for kiddos. The only reason you are able to accept kids into your home is because, unfortunately, there is a need.
When you say yes to a “placement”, you are saying yes to expanding your family. It is an incredible feeling that is very hard to explain. There is so much joy and excitement, there is no doubt that there is a tremendous amount of love, but there is also an underlying fear and anxiety. The fear and anxiety, initially, is not overwhelming or overbearing. It might give you butterflies or make you a bit nervous, and feels a bit like “falling in love”. But overtime, this can change, and the anxiety and fear, especially around the future, and potential loss, can grow and become overwhelming.
This post will hopefully provide some perspective that helps foster parents, and those who know, love, support, and are allies of foster parents, understand that the fear and anxiety surrounding the duration or ultimate outcome of a placement is “ok”, but it is more important to focus on the present, and enjoy the time you have.
We have had 13 kiddos come into our home during their time of need. We have welcomed and loved 13 kiddos into our family, no matter how long or short their time with us was. We currently have two kiddos in our home. We recently had a long term placement leave after 3-years. If you are keeping score at home, that means that we have experienced 11 losses. 11 times a kiddo who we welcomed into our home and loved as our own, has left our home.
“A loss ain’t a loss, it’s a lesson.
Appreciate the pain, it’s a blessin'” – Jay Z.
We did not become foster parents to adopt. Our goal was to help children and families in their time of need. Hopefully reunification would occur, but if not, our plan was to work with DHS to move towards finding a forever home for our kiddos. I guess what we are saying is, “we signed up for the loss”. Maybe we didn’t think of it that way when we became certified, but that is what we have come to realize.
The uncertainty and messiness of foster care is one of the most difficult parts of being a foster parent. You want what is best for the kids in your home, but it is not always clear what that is, what the plan proposed by DHS is, what the courts feel the best plan is, and how long it will take for a decision to be made. The anxiety and uncertainty of having a child in your home for years, who you love deeply, and not knowing if they may leave at a moments notice, is extremely stressful. This anxiety and uncertainty of placement duration and stability is very stressful for foster parents, yet also a common experience for foster parents, one that they feel nearly everyday.
We realize how foreign this concept of uncertainty and lack of control may be for those who are family, friends, allies, babysitters, acquaintances, or supporters of foster families. We, as foster parents, either through our naivety, ignorance, or understanding with strength, signed up for the uncertainty and potential loss. Our family, friends, and community, however, did not “sign up for loss”, and it is important to acknowledge that. Those who support foster parents and kids in care undoubtedly love these families, and when or if a child leaves a home, they also experience loss and grief, and it is not something that they necessarily signed up for.
Those who support foster parents and kids in care undoubtedly love these families, and when or if a child leaves a home, they also experience loss and grief, and it is not something that they necessarily signed up for.
Often, those who are not foster parents but know and support foster parents do not understand the dynamics of foster care. The lack of control, lack of input and lack decision making power that foster parents have is surprising for those not directly involved. We are not legal parties, our involvement is at the discretion of DHS. Our hope is to be included, and with the right lawyers, judges, caseworkers, CASAs and therapists, our voice can be heard. But even then, our voice is not a legal voice, and the decisions being made are out of our control. We have little control over timeline or outcome.
The lack of control over timeline or outcome is why we write this post. This post is a reminder to appreciate the time you have now with the kiddos in your home or who you are connected with. As hard as it is, try not to stress about the timeline, or outcome. The best thing you can do for yourself and the kiddos you know, love, and care about, is be there. Be present. Show love. Provide experiences. Demonstrate healthy relationships. That is what they need in this moment, no matter if this moment turns into a forever home, a reunification, a move to a better fit, or a forever family. They need to know that above all, you are present, and you love and care for them no matter what the outcome.
The best thing you can do for yourself and the kiddos you know, love, and care about, is be there. Be present. Show love. Provide experiences. Demonstrate healthy relationships.
If you can (full disclosure: we know first hand that it is extremely difficult), please try and be present in the moment, and not worry about the future when you are with kids in care. Focus on the positives, on the memories you are creating when you take them to the zoo, provide them with a new experience, bake cookies or see a movie with them. Even when you are just doing everyday life-stuff with them, be present, be thankful for the time with them, and know that you are having a positive impact in that moment. All of this positive impact is provided to them by just being present and modeling healthy behaviors and relationships. Try not to fixate on the fact that you are not certain how many more opportunities you might have to go to the park with them, but just enjoy the fact that you are with them in this current moment, making memories. Be thankful you had this moment, this experience, or this day.
We write about this as foster parents, and that is a unique perspective, different from the perspective of those who support foster parents. We signed up for this, our friends and family did not. They see cute, amazing, wonderful kids come into our home who we view as our own. They see potential permanency. Those who support us and our kiddos often don’t understand all of the nuances described above about roles and legalities. So often we get asked “you are going to keep them. right?” not understanding that it is not necessarily up to us, and when they ask, it is usually not even an option that has been presented to us by DHS. By asking this question, you are often asking an unanswerable question.
These questions about adoption and permanency come from a good place, but unfortunately they stir up those feelings of uncertainty and anxiety around the future. It can remind foster parents that there is a very real possibility that this child that they love will someday leave their family, and they will grieve that loss. If a child does leave a family, that is the time to grieve, to be worried, nervous, anxious, afraid, hurt, and even happy and hopeful, if the system is working properly. But if you stay present, mindful, and intentional in the day to day of caring for these kids, instead of focusing on the uncertainty of the future, you will have so many more memories and positive moments to hold onto.
If you stay present, mindful, and intentional in the day to day… you will have so many more memories and positive moments to hold onto.
Foster care is messy, timelines are uncertain, and outcomes are difficult to predict. This is why it is important to remain grounded in the present. You can’t plan for the unknown, but you can be present in the moment and give all you have. That is what these kids need. Stability in the moment. We are firm believers that if we do the best we can in the moment, we will have lasting effects and impact on the children we care for, even if they are not with us. Focus on the moment, it is the only thing we have control over, and it most certainly can and will have a lasting impact for both you, and your kids.
Always try to remember, that what you are doing right now, is what you have control of. The future is uncertain, but the choices you make now, to be present in the moment, to stop worrying about things out of your control, and focus on being the best parent, foster parent, friend, advocate, family member, whatever you are, being the best at it right now, for these kids is how you change their future for the better. Worrying about the future and things out of your control, has little effect the kiddos you care for. Giving all you have now, especially when you don’t know what the future holds, is a much more effective way to support kids in care and foster families.
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