10 Tips for Successful Foster Care Visits

Visits for Kids in Foster Care

As we write this post, our kiddos are on a visit. Visitation is an aspect of being a foster parent that is quite interesting, but honestly, not that unique in the world of parenting. If you were raised in a family that experienced a divorce, visitation in foster care can be compared to visitations or shared custody between divorced parents. This post is a guide to help foster parents navigate the intricacies of visitations, and hopefully set themselves, their kiddos, and the bio-family up for success.

See our previous post for a discussion on why visits are so important, Foster Care Visitation (Pt. 1)

Visitations can be very hard for kids. It can be difficult for them to understand and process all of the emotions they are feeling. The whole event can be very exhausting, overwhelming, exciting, anxiety inducing, amazing, disappointing, as well as a myriad of other emotions and feelings. All of this can make for a pretty difficult build up and come down for you and your family, if you are not properly prepared for visits.  Hopefully some of the suggestions in this post can help you navigate, survive, or even flourish during visitation days. Continue reading “10 Tips for Successful Foster Care Visits”

How Would You Rate Your Pain?

Emergency Mamas

We are very excited to share a guest post from Emergency Mamas. It is wonderful to find like minded Foster Parents who also share honest glimpses into their world and the hard work we do as foster parents. Although we are on the same journey, it is very interesting and informative for us read the experiences and perspectives of others, and see the similarities and differences. We hope you enjoy their post and blog as much as we do!

How Would You Rate Your Pain?

You know when you go to the doctor and they ask you to rate your pain, using some numbers and smiling/frowning faces on a little chart?

Typically, people rank much higher than they actually are feeling because the vast majority of us only know moderate pain. If you can sit up, talk to the doctor, and you drove yourself to the office…your pain is not an 8. It might  be a 5. Continue reading “How Would You Rate Your Pain?”

Letter to Ariel*

The following is a letter I wrote to our 9-year old Foster Daughter Ariel*, upon her leaving our home after a nearly 16-month stay with us in our home. The note was handed to her with a bouquet of flowers as she walked out our front door. She was leaving us to move in with her potential adoptive family, who she had been spending weekends with over the past month-and-a-half.

Dear Ariel,

We first met you on November 4th, 2016, when you and Trevor* first came to our home.  Over the past 15+ months, we have had the joy and privilege of raising, helping, and caring for you and your brother, but most of all, we got to enjoy your company, personality and watch you grow into an amazing person.

We made so many memories together, and we are grateful for every one. We remember the first day we sent you off to school, and taking you to the beach for your first time.  There were trips to the zoo to see animals, the Children’s Museum to play with other kids in the vet room, and OMSI to see the LEGO exhibit.  You and Trevor were the first kids we have ever had at our house for Christmas, Thanksgiving, our birthdays, Easter, Halloween, and St. Patrick’s day.  That is something that is very special to us and that we will always remember.  You even helped us move to our new house!

You are such an amazing, strong, confident, and incredible person. You have experienced so much in life, and you continue to amaze us everyday with your positive attitude, determination, and incredible personality. You are a beautiful individual, and I can’t wait to see what you accomplish in life. You are amazing sister to your brother, and you have done a great job helping him, caring for him, and especially being patient with him.

Today is bittersweet. We love you so much. You have been an amazing daughter. We always knew that this day would come, the day where you transition from our home towards your forever family, but now it is here.  We are sad that we will not see your big smile around our house as often, or hear you sing in the living room, but we are happy that you are transitioning to a wonderful home with people who will love and care for you as much as we do.  We are happy that although you are not going to be at our house as much, Mark* and Rachel* are gaining a wonderful daughter, and Luke* a great sister.

Always remember, there are so many people in the world that love you deeply. Everybody you have met while living with us will miss you deeply, but are also very happy for you. These people love you and will always be here to support you, no matter what.

This isn’t “good bye”, it is “see you later”, and we will see you soon.

Love,

Aaron and Jewell

Thanks for reading, if you have questions or comments, feel free to post them in the comment section below, we would love to hear from you.  To receive updates when a new post is published, click the “Follow” button, we appreciate your interest in our journey. You can also “like” our page on Facebook.

Childcare… Or How to Improve the System

One of the biggest barriers for current foster parents, or people interested in becoming foster parents, is access to childcare.  As discussed in You Get Paid for This, Right?, the reimbursement rate provided by DHS in Oregon does not cover the expenses associated with providing for and raising these children, and it has no stipend for child care.  As any parent who has looked into infant care, daycare, after school care, or babysitting has realized, child care is expensive, sometimes prohibitively expensive. As a family of two working foster parents, we rely heavily on childcare to make being a foster parent possible.  Although paying for child care definitely takes a toll on our monthly budget, we also understand that we are extremely lucky/privileged to be able to afford child care for our kiddos. We also have family who live very close, and help with child care needs as well.

There are many people in our community who would make amazing foster parents, and so many of them would love to be foster parents…but they work, and would need childcare for their kiddos.  Realizing that DHS does not provide any reimbursement, stipend, or support in regards to childcare can be a major deterrent to so many potential foster parents. These people want to help, but they also work, and do not have the financial ability to pay hundreds or thousands of dollars a month for child care.  This childcare dilemma can be especially burdensome for single individuals interested in becoming foster parents as well as working couples.

Obviously, finding and paying for childcare is a difficulty for many parents, foster or not. This is not a post to argue about the pros and cons of having your children attend childcare, or whether or not it is more beneficial to have a stay at home parent, this is a post about how DHS may be able to improve the system and recruit more foster families through minor tweaks to the system.  Although childcare is an issue for many families, we feel it is important to address some additional factors that can make it especially difficult for foster parents to find childcare, and why childcare is important for foster parents.

 

“This is not a post to argue about the pros and cons of having your children attend childcare… this is a post about how DHS may be able to improve the system and recruit more foster families.”

Immediacy

First, there is the immediacy of the need.  As discussed in Four Hours, there is a lot of uncertainty that comes with a placement.  Placements can come to you quickly, and you may not have a lot of time to plan and get logistics figured out.  In our city, finding quality, affordable childcare with vacancies is difficult if you have 9-months to plan, and nearly impossible if you have only hours or days.

Uncertainty

Second, there is the unknown timeline. Sometimes, there is a safety need to remove a kiddo from their bios, and they need a place to stay for a few days or a couple weeks.  Other times, a kiddo may be placed with you for “a weekend”, but it turns into months or years.  Finding childcare is difficult enough, but finding childcare that is flexible and understanding of your uncertain timeline is damn near impossible. Many want enrollment for the year, large deposits, cancelation fees, etc.

Adjustment

Third, there is the unknown of how your kiddo will handle childcare.  Many kiddos in foster care are perfectly happy in childcare and school, they enjoy playing with peers and trust their teachers or care givers. Others, however, may have never been to school or childcare, or played with their peers, some will have behavior or trust issues, and may not be capable of attending a typical childcare. They may get sent home repeatedly, or asked not to attend any more because their behaviors are disruptive, or the provider is not equipped to handle your kiddos needs. Often times, even finding a babysitter that is competent enough to handle the behavioral issues of your child on a one-on-one basis can be difficult and expensive. Having to leave work early and immediately to pick up your kiddo can be a deal breaker for working foster parents and their employers.

So, not only is childcare often cost prohibitive for potential foster parents, even if it is not, it can be logistically prohibitive. We believe DHS is missing out on some of the best potential foster parents because of this child care dilemma. Many people familiar with the system and the current crisis in Oregon, realize that child care for foster parents and kiddos is an issue.  So how do we fix it? Obviously, DHS is strapped for cash (funding), and foster parents are not asking for reimbursement for in Au Pair, nanny, or even the local Montessori pre-school. Instead, we are just asking for a little support with childcare to make being a foster parent, with all of the challenges listed above, and then some, a little more manageable.

“We believe DHS is missing out on some of the best potential foster parents because of this child care dilemma.”

How Can This Childcare Dilemma be Improved?

We believe DHS should establish day care programs for foster children at their branch offices, or at multiple centralized locations. The foster care crisis is real. The need for individuals, couples, parents, and families to become certified and open their homes to the vulnerable children is enormous.  The barrier of entry for many to become foster parents is the childcare dilemma. It is time for DHS and the community to get creative to remove this barrier of entry and improve our community’s ability to care and provide for the most vulnerable in our society.

How Would This Work?

DHS, which already has visit rooms, play areas, and more at their branch offices, could do some minor remodeling and reorganization to create a childcare facility in their branch offices.  If this is not feasible, they could establish child care facilities at an offsite location, possibly even partnering with an established local child care provider.  The program could be offered, for free, or possibly at cost, to foster parents. Participation in the program would not be mandatory, and if a foster family opted out of the program, it could be possible for DHS to provide them a rebate for services not used. It wouldn’t be much, but it would increase the minimal reimbursement rate currently provided.

These DHS childcare centers could be ran by DHS staff, such as SSAs, caseworkers in training, and volunteers who have passed the required background checks.

“DHS, which already has visit rooms, play areas, and more at their branch offices, could… create a childcare facility in their branch offices.”

What Are The Benefits?

This approach could benefit all involved. It could benefit DHS, foster parents, children in foster care, bio-parents of children in the system, and the advocates of kiddos in the system.

More Foster Parents

It is not a secret that the foster care system in Oregon, but also around the nation, is in crisis. Oregon DHS is being sued and investigated, for not protecting the kiddos in their care, and for not having foster homes available to place kiddos in.  This proposed program, providing affordable and reliable child care for kiddos, could allow many potential foster parents who have not made the leap into foster care because childcare is a barrier of entry, to finally make the jump to become foster parents. This would greatly alleviate the crisis, by increasing the number of caring homes available for kiddos.

DHS Oversight

Having a centralized childcare location for kids in foster care allows DHS to have more consistent contact with the children in their system. Having children attend childcare provided by DHS allows DHS to easily monitor and observe the children in their care, including routine medical check-ups, screening for lice, ring worm, tape worm, rashes, and other medical issues common to kiddos coming into the system. It also allows them to monitor for potential signs of abuse or neglect in the foster home as well, which unfortunately, is all too common.  Currently, the CW is required to see the kiddos at least once a month, to make sure everything is going well. This centralized child care scenario allows for the caseworker to easily check up on kiddos, and also talk to them when the foster parents are not around, to allow them to speak-up if things are not right at their foster home.

Accommodating Childcare

As mentioned previously, childcare can be difficult to find for kiddos in foster care due to behavioral issues. Having a staff of DHS trained caregivers, who understand the trauma these children are processing, could mean that when a kiddo is elevated, instead of getting sent home, they are receiving the intervention, deescalation, attention, and support they need to process their feelings.  It also means that a foster parent will not have to leave work immediately and race through traffic to pick up their kiddo, and risk losing their job.

Benefits for Bio-family

The bio-family of these children have lives too.  A lot of the time, they are trying to get their lives back on track. Between meetings, jobs, housing interviews, and working with DHS, their schedules can be hectic…but they still want to see their children.  Sometimes, the available visit times offered by DHS, which are often based on the kiddo’s schedule, the foster parent’s schedule, SSA availability, and visitation room availability, but are not the best times for the bios.  Having kiddos in childcare at or by DHS, would allow more flexibility in the visitation schedule.  Bio’s could schedule a visit during a time where their child would already be in the care of DHS, and it would not require the coordination of an SSA or the foster parents.

“The bio-family of these children have lives too.  A lot of the time, they are trying to get their lives back on track.”

Having a DHS based daycare could also provide an opportunity for bio-parents to volunteer in the childcare program, with their kids, to gain parenting skills. Many bio-parents are required by DHS to attend parenting classes, to improve their skills and abilities, and volunteering in this DHS supervised program could allow the bios to gain the hours, practice, and experience they need, all while under supervision of DHS. This would assure that they are truly making the required progress, as opposed to just the required attendance.

Medical Appointments

Many of the children that come into care have faced years of neglect or inadequate care.  Part of the process of entering care is receiving all of the care you should have received previously.  We have learned that it is not uncommon for kiddos to have severe dental degradation, unaddressed mental health issues, unaddressed allergies, and numerous assessment needs.  This adds up to an incredible amount of appointments, so many that we require spreadsheets and multiple calendars to track them.  Between therapy, dental visits, neuro assessments, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and the list goes on, the appointments alone can be enough to make you realize that having a career and being a foster parent is almost impossible.

If DHS offered a centralized childcare approach, they could greatly assist with attendance to these appointments.  There is the possibility of providing these services on site, like having a dentist who accepts the DHS provided health insurance (often hard to find), come to the site once a week to do check-ups and cleanings. The same could apply to all of the various forms of therapy that these children need and deserve.  If bringing the medical professionals on-site is not an option, at the very least, the SSAs could have an easier time transporting the children to and from the appointments, because they would already be at DHS.

Advocate Access

Lawyers are busy. Kiddos in care have lawyers, and these lawyers need to see them on a somewhat regular basis, but especially prior to court hearings.  Trying to schedule appointments with a lawyer, or multiple lawyers, depending on the number of kiddos you have or the number of lawyers each kiddo has, can be extremely difficult. Between the kiddo’s appointments, their school schedule, your work schedule, and the lawyer’s availability…good luck.  If the children are in a DHS provided daycare, it could make it a lot easier for the advocates of the children, including lawyers, CASAs, etc. to visit the kids and have a better understanding of how they are doing, what their needs are, and what the plan going forward should be.

It Can Be Good For The Kids

It isn’t always fun to be different than everyone else. To not be able to talk openly with your peers about issues you are dealing with, because they have never experienced them.  It can be hard when your foster parent walks in to the class room to pick you up from after school care, and your best friend says “Is that your Dad?” and you don’t know what to say. It can be hard to be surrounded by peers who have no understanding of why you are “the new kid” at school, and can’t understand why you aren’t “happy”.  Being at a childcare center with other children who are experiencing the same difficulties and can relate to the trauma you have experienced can be beneficial to kids in foster care. It helps them understand that they are not alone, that this awful thing is not happening to them alone, that it is not their fault, and that there are others who can relate to them.

Separate but Equal (Segregation)

We should address the elephant in the room. Is centralized DHS childcare actually a form of “separate but equal”?  At face value, it is easy to make this comparison. Yes, sending all children in foster care to a childcare facility that is exclusively created for children in the system, no matter how quality that facility is, is “separate but equal”. What we are discussing though, is not a requirement to send children in foster care to these programs, but merely an option. In fact, best case scenario, a foster family does not need to exercise this option, and instead DHS increases their monthly reimbursement rate for not using the service provided. This is an option, an option that could provide a lot of benefits to the children, to the system, to the bio-families, to the advocates, and to foster parents, and perhaps make a dent in the current crisis and shortage of homes.

There is No Good Answer

There is no good answer. No matter what we do, no matter how much money, training, support, etc. we put towards helping bio-parents who are struggling, there will always be children who enter the system. Although foster parents are not provided adequate financial assistance to provide for the children in their care, substantially increasing the reimbursement rate is not the answer. It could create problems that the system has experienced previously (like foster farms), that have created this current crisis, leading to kiddos in foster care being abused and neglected for money.  The best answer we can think of, is creating an eco-system that encourages those who want to and are capable of being foster parents, but are currently unable to because of careers and child care costs, to have the ability to become foster parents. DHS provided childcare seems to be an option that could make this a possibility.

“The best answer we can think of, is creating an eco-system that encourages those who want to and are capable of being foster parents, but are currently unable to because of careers and child care costs, to have the ability to become foster parents. DHS provided childcare seems to be an option that could make this a possibility.”

There is a crisis. The crisis has occurred because for too long, people who are not capable of loving, caring, and providing for children in the care of DHS, were handed child upon child. The only way they could make it work was through “economy of scale”, by taking on more children then they could responsibly care for. Now, these homes are being systematically shut down (as they should), but it is creating a crisis is our system, as there are now more children than responsible homes and beds available.  DHS is being sued  for housing children in their offices and in hotels for nights, weeks, and months.  The lawsuit is correct, these children have the right to a better living situation. Unfortunately the lawsuit does not appear to provide a solution to the systemic problem. Suing DHS brings attention to the problem, but it does not solve the problem.  DHS is acutely aware of the crisis they have on their hands, but the solution is not a class action lawsuit, the solution is bringing more qualified, competent, compassionate, and caring people into the foster care program.  Our opinion is that the majority of the people who meet this criteria, would be able to become foster parents if care was more affordable and more accessible for foster parents.  We believe this could be achieved through a centralized childcare program through DHS, which would benefit the children, foster parents, bio-parents, advocates, and DHS.

Thanks for reading, if you have questions or comments, feel free to post them in the comment section below, we would love to hear from you.  To receive updates when a new post is published, click the “Follow” button, we appreciate your interest in our journey. You can also “like” our page on Facebook.

It Takes A Village

Village

“It takes a village to raise a child”.  This saying is such a cliche, but as foster parents, we have an ever expanding village helping us raise our kiddos. We are so thankful for the village we have, and we know that without them, this journey would be impossible for us.  This post is about our village, how they help us, and how thankful and fortunate we are to have them in our life. It is important to recognize though, that the reason why many of these children are in care, is because their parents are not fortunate enough to have a village supporting them when times get tough, money is tight, or they make a mistake. But that is a more depressing topic, and will be discussed in another post. This post is about some of the people in our village who make our journey possible. The people in this post are proof that “not everyone can be a foster parent, but anyone can help a foster child”. Continue reading “It Takes A Village”

Why I Do This – Aaron

“Why do you do Foster Care?”

This question comes up repeatedly, but it always seems to catch me off guard.  I think the first time I heard a variation of this question, it was asked by our Certifier on the first day we met her. When she asked me, I froze. I felt like I didn’t have a good answer. To this day, I don’t know if I have a good answer. It feels like a question that can’t have a good answer, let alone a “right” answer. There are so many reasons why I am a foster parent, but at the same time there is also no one real reason why I am a foster parent. The answer I have settled on, at least for now, is “because I can”.

Kids Need to be Loved

If I am being honest, I never really thought about being a foster parent until we began the process of being certified. Jewell was the one who had been personally thinking about it, and ultimately proposed the idea to me. She had thought about it for years, waiting for the time to be perfect (as with almost anything, the timing is never perfect), and by the time she asked me if it was something I would be interested in, she was already mentally prepared. I was the one who was cautious and apprehensive.  I agreed to go to the initial orientation to try and understand what we would be getting into, but I put A LOT of “out clauses” in my agreement to go to the orientation, to make it clear that I was not making a commitment. However, after the orientation class, and to this day, I am completely on-board.  These kids need someone to love them and care for them. Continue reading “Why I Do This – Aaron”

Books For Kids in Foster Care and Foster Parents

Foster Care Books

As foster parents, we quickly became acutely aware that it was difficult to find children’s books geared toward children in foster care. Children’s books hold a special place in our life.  Aaron’s Mom is a children’s librarian, and a variety of children’s books were always available to read in his house when he was growing up.  One book, Where the Wild Things Are, played such a significant part of Aaron’s childhood that he now has a page of the book tattooed to his arm.  At Jewell’s house, “The Chronicles of Narnia”  was an ever present theme around the house and her Mom has a replica Sword of Rhindon hanging on her wall.

Children’s books can be a powerful parenting tool.  Often, you can use a children’s book to help them learn to read, develop their critical thinking skills, teach life lessons, learn about feelings, or just relax and enjoy a story before bed. Over the years, children’s books have become more progressive. There is seemingly a book about everything, and featuring a vast variety of characters.  However, as we have been raising kiddos in our home, at times we have found it difficult to find books directly related to children in foster care, including books with children in care as the central character, or books about many of the difficult issues foster children experience. Continue reading “Books For Kids in Foster Care and Foster Parents”

ReMoved

ReMoved

Honestly, we are exhausted. We are recovering from the excitement of the holidays, adjusting to going back to school, dealing with the everyday craziness of parenting, and coupling all of this with what feels like an endless barrage of appointments for our kiddos and dealing with DHS.  Every night, we are wondering how we are going to make it through the next day.

It feels like every day, Trevor and Ariel find new ways to push our buttons, test our limits, and stretch our patience.  In our minds, we know that this is normal behavior for kiddos in foster care, especially those who have experienced trauma, and who feel safe in their foster home, but in the moment, it can be difficult to maintain perspective. They are processing their emotions and trauma, while trying to find the extent of our love and support for them.  Luckily for them, our love and support is endless… although Jewell and I often wonder how long we can keep this pace up. Continue reading “ReMoved”

Fostering The Christmas Spirit

This was the first year that we have had kids in our home on Christmas. There was quite a lot of excitement and emotion in the days leading up to Christmas, along with discussions with Trevor* and Ariel* about what Christmas has been like for them in the past.  From what they told us, Santa never visited their home, but their parents did get them a lot of presents.  Although the holidays are often a wonderful time for most, for those who are away from their family or who have lost family members, it can bring up a lot of emotions. For our kids, it was no different.

One minute, they would be bouncing off the walls excited for presents from Santa, and the next they would be crying uncontrollably into a pillow because they were sad and didn’t want to talk to us about it. It was heartbreaking when their emotions would overcome them and they would scream at us that this wasn’t “their house”. To complicate things even more, they had a visit with their grandparents a couple days before Christmas, bringing up a lot of feelings.

Continue reading “Fostering The Christmas Spirit”

The Week from Hell Pt. 3

This is the third part of a three part series detailing a day by day account of what we very quickly deemed “The Week from Hell”.  If you haven’t had a chance to read the first two posts, they can be found HERE and HERE.

Wednesday:

On this day, we just had Ava at our house, because Sabrina was still on her overnight visit. Sabrina had a decent number of overnight visits during this time, since she was actually transitioning towards reunification with her mom, not just being spontaneously reunited.  Overall, it was a good day with Ava.  The only damper on this day was an e-mail from Ava’s CW stating that “all legal parties have agreed” that reunification can occur on Saturday.  Foster Parents are not legal parties, despite the fact that we see the kids, and the parents in this case, more often than DHS, the child’s lawyer, the parent’s lawyer, or anyone else involved in the case. Continue reading “The Week from Hell Pt. 3”