The Week from Hell Pt. 1

This is the first of a 3-part post providing a day by day account of what we very quickly deemed “The Week from Hell”.  When it was occurring, it was hands down the most difficult week of foster care we had experienced. Every day, we were pushed to our limits and there were times that we very seriously consider quitting. The events discussed each day are solely related to our trials through fostering, and do not take into account the every day stressors related to work, or life in general.

The week in question occurred a few weeks after we were informed that reunification for Ava could possibly occur any moment. DHS submitted an application for her Bio-Mom to receive housing at a facility that requires the mother to have custody of her child when she moves in.  We had previously voiced our concern about this approach to DHS, and Ava’s lawyer. When we felt that our concerns and the best interest of Ava were not being taken into consideration, we began the process of requesting a CASA for Ava. Upon hearing DHS’s reunification approach, we honestly felt that they were just trying to reduce their caseload and increase their statistics.  As you read through our week from hell, know that the daily issues are compounded with our frustration with the proposed reunification plan.

*Disclaimer* While this was the worst week for us (so far), as foster parents, we do not want to minimize the fact that we were not alone in feeling this way. Two bio moms, one bio dad, and one case worker also felt the intensity of the situation. Parenting is very rewarding and can bring a lot of joy , but it can also be very exhausting a stressful, especially when coupled with working with DHS and bio-families. During this week, we (bio-parents and foster parents) felt helpless and let down by “the system”.  We work hard to have strong, working relationships with the kiddo’s bio-family members and DHS staff, but in reality, a lot of the people who interact with “the system” on a daily basis often feel taken advantage of.  This is one of those stories.

Thursday – Saturday:

The weekend at the start of our week from hell was a long weekend, Monday was a Holiday for government employees. A three-day weekend can be a stressor for Foster Parents, especially if you have a relatively new placement. A three-day weekend means that there is an additional day where you are unsupported by DHS. An additional day where you can’t reach the child’s CW.  An additional day when if something happens to the child, you have to self-report, and call the child abuse hotline to explain why your toddler has a bruise on their forehead or a skinned knee.

A three-day weekend can be a stressor for Foster Parents, especially if you have a relatively new placement. A three-day weekend means that there is an additional day where you are unsupported by DHS.

On Thursday, we were informed that Ava’s CW was taking Friday off as well, to extend her long weekend, and in fact, she was trying to leave the office by noon on Thursday too. So, already stressing about the long weekend ahead of us, unsupported by DHS, with two toddlers in the home, and one of them very new to us, we learn that our long weekend has been extended.  Definitely not the worst thing in the world, but it did add to our anxiety, and in hindsight it was for good reason.

Friday:

In the morning, Sabrina (2-years old) was still with her mom on an overnight visit, so it was just us and Ava (14-months) at the house.  When Sabrina was dropped off from her visit in the afternoon, she has some noticeable bruises on her, but nothing that you wouldn’t expect on a toddler. What was strange though, is what looked like a bite mark on her arm, and she kept pointing it out to us and saying “ow” and “hurts”. This is strange, but not alarming.

Then the mail was delivered and we received a giant package from DHS.  We always wonder what the mailman thinks about our house, when they keep delivering mail from DHS to our house. The package was our SAFE Home Study, something that we were expecting a few months ago, closer to when we completed our final home study interviews.  Initially, we were definitely nervous to read it, but at the same time, a little excited. What does DHS think of us?  It has to be good, right? They did give us emergency approval and placed a child with us almost immediately.

Then the mail was delivered and we received a giant package from DHS.  We always wonder what the mailman thinks about our house, when they keep delivering mail from DHS to our house.

The SAFE Home Study was awful to read. It is very hard to describe how hurtful it was to read. DHS sends you two copies, one is yours to keep (oh gee thanks! I definitely want to share this with all my friends and family when they come over!) and the other copy, you both are supposed to sign and send back. It then becomes a legal document.  We read it separately, and then talked about it together. We both were very uncomfortable about how it read, and agreed that we were not going to sign it until we were able to talk through it with our certifier. After reading the home study, it felt like DHS’s conclusion was:

“These people have a lot of issues… but they also have a nice home that they keep clean so we will let them care for children.”

That statement sure is a real confidence booster.

As upset as reading the home study made us, there was little time to dwell on it, because we were also caring for two toddlers.  Sabrina was tired from her visit, which can make her frustrated and aggressive. She began to be physical toward Ava. When we tried to distract Sabrina, we became the outlet for her frustration. She bit Jewell and broke skin. We now had a little better idea where her own bite mark had come from.

“These people have a lot of issues… but they also have a nice home that they keep clean so we will let them care for children.”

That statement sure is a real confidence booster.

A couple of days after Sabrina was placed with us, she began self-harming.  It is terrifying and traumatic to see a toddler purposely hurt themselves. Jewell and I will never forget how scared, helpless, and sad it made us feel when we saw Sabrina purposely inflict severe pain on herself to express her emotions.

That night, when it was time to put the girls to bed, after reading bed time stories and singing songs, we put Sabrina in her crib. She began to cry hysterically. We stayed in the room, trying to help her calm down, but she was not able to. She grabbed the top cross bar of the crib with both hands, and before we could reach her, slammed her head into the bar as hard as she could.  We swooped her up and held her in our arms, rocking her and singing to her as she screamed in pain, until she fell asleep about an hour later.

Then we wrote an e-mail to her CW explaining what happened and why she has a horizontal bruise on her forehead.

Saturday:

As we were having breakfast with our kiddos, and feeling the warm embrace of caffeine in the morning, we received a text from Ava’s Mom:

“Hi.. *The Home* just called me and said i can move in tomorrow..”

We didn’t know what to say.  We were happy for her that she was accepted into DHS approved housing after trying for so long and facing so many rejections, but we also knew the reality.  DHS, and especially her CW, do not work on weekends, and there was little to no chance that she would be able to move in to her new facility with Ava on Sunday.  We told her to try and contact the CW to let DHS know what was happening, and to let the administration at the home know that she would most likely not have her child with her until after the long weekend.

DHS, and especially her CW, do not work on weekends

We were terrified by this.  Not only was immediate reunification something that we felt was not in the best interest of Ava and Bio-Mom, because we felt a transition period with increased visitation and responsibility was more appropriate, but also, DHS was providing no guidance to us or Bio-Mom during this hectic time. It was clear to us, that we would not be transferring custody of Ava to Bio-Mom until we received confirmation from DHS that this was approved. We have no doubt in our mind that Ava’s mom can handle it but she is our first placement, we have not been given instruction on what to do in this scenario. We need guidance first.

As confused and frantic as we were that morning, we still had to care for two toddlers, and this included going grocery shopping for the house to get food and diapers.

When we were at the grocery store, Sabrina was sitting in the seat of the shopping-cart, and at first, she was enjoying herself, saying “hi” to everyone in the store. Eventually though, she was done grocery shopping… unfortunately, we were not.  When most kids are bored or frustrated, they throw fits and cry, Sabrina on the other hand, self-harms. As we were walking through the aisles finishing up our shopping, Sabrina sitting in the child seat of the shopping cart, with both hands, she grabbed the handle of the shopping cart, and began to slam her forehead into the shopping cart handle repeatedly.  As always, it was terrifying to witness personally, but compounded with this happening in a very public place, we were freaking out.  After trying to calm her down, we went to the check-out line to get out of the store as soon as possible. It was not quick enough for her, and she began to bang her head into the shopping cart handle again.

When most kids are bored or frustrated, they throw fits and cry, Sabrina on the other hand, self-harms.

After removing her from the situation, and returning home, we had to take pictures of her severely bruised forehead, and again, send an e-mail to DHS, self-reporting how these bruises happened. Since it was a long weekend, we never heard a response.