We Know You Mean Well But…

Jewell and I consider ourselves extroverted introverts.  We enjoy our privacy, the company of each other, and gatherings of our close friends. Both of us are easily intimidated by large social gatherings, “Parties” is what I think the cool kids call them, but we often force ourselves to go, so we can see our friends and acquaintances.  Being a Foster Parent has proven to be a great conversation piece at said social gatherings, one that many people have a lot of questions about, and that we are happy to answer. When it comes to being a Foster Parent, we do not evangelize. We understand that it is not for everyone, it is a personal or family decision, and the last thing we would want is for someone to be pressured into being a foster parent when it is not right for them, that is not fair to the kids or the person/family.  That being said, we try to be an open book and answer questions that people have for us, because prior to us becoming Foster Parents, we had a lot of questions too, and nobody to really answer them.

So, whenever we catch up with friends or family members who we haven’t seen for awhile, or go to a social gathering, us being Foster Parents, much like if we were new bio-parents, often are approached by others who want to talk about the new addition in our life. People often preface the conversation by saying ” you don’t have to answer this if it is too personal”, before asking a question about reunification or reimbursement from DHS.  We typically reply “no, not too personal at all, we are an open book”, because we genuinely love to talk about our kiddos and their families, our experiences, the issues plaguing the system, etc.

After they have asked all of the initial questions, or we have to leave because our kids are bored, we typically get the comment “what you are doing is amazing”.  It is an awkward thing for us to hear, and we don’t always know how to respond. Yes, we can see how from the outside it may seem amazing, but for us, honestly, we are doing it because we love these kids and these families, we want to help, and we enjoy it. We feel it is hardly unselfish. It is not like we are suffering, it is what we wanted to do. In the day to day of being a foster parent, the most “amazing” part is just being a parent and raising a kid. It really doesn’t seem much different from what we imagine being a bio-parent feels like, exhausting and amazing.

In the day to day of being a foster parent, the most “amazing” part is just being a parent and raising a kid.

After the questions and the praise, there are typically some comments that we know people mean well by, but come off as hurtful, insensitive, or uninformed to us…and we hope people will stop saying.

We recognize the thought process behind this statement, that our kiddo is very fortunate to have been placed with us because we do our best to care for them, and we are financially and emotionally capable to help them in a significant way. We feel very fortunate to be placed with him/her, because we unconditionally love all children who we care for . But let’s be clear, these children are not lucky.  Lucky is being born into a family where your parents are able to provide for your basic needs emotionally, physically and financially, as well as provide a nurturing relationship.  Lucky is not having to be removed from your family and placed into the System.  These children are the most vulnerable children in our nation.  They are removed from their family during their prime developmental age and immediately placed in a strangers home.  If DHS is doing their job properly, these children were removed because they were not safe at home with their family.

let’s be clear, these children are not lucky…Lucky is not having to be removed from your family and placed into the System.

What does that mean? It means that maybe these children were born with drugs in their system, or their parents are addicts that cannot safely care for children. Maybe it means that these children have been physically abused, emotionally abused, or sexually abused. Neglect is a major reason why kids come into care as well, so maybe these kids have been living in hoarders homes with no running water, and no unspoiled food in the house.  This is not lucky, this is tragic.

We have kids, they are the children who we have cared for, are caring for, or will be caring for in our home. No matter how short or long they stay with us, no matter how easy or difficult they are, and no matter how they came to us, bio/foster/adoptive, they are our kids. This is not practice, this is not a trial run to see if we can parent children. This is not pretend. Children, all children, need unconditional love, and we intend to give all of our children unconditional love, and every opportunity that we can, whether bio, adoptive, or foster.

Sure, if it was an option. The mantra is “reunification is the goal”, and until we hear otherwise from the courts, we will continue to assume that reunification is the goal and adoption is not an option.  The real issue with this question is it feels like an assumption that if we were planning on adopting the child, the child would receive different treatment from us. This is not the case. All children who we care for get the same unconditional love, even if we know that their time in our home is limited.

This comment is usually coupled with some form of the question, “aren’t you afraid you will become attached to them?”.  The answer is “no”, we are not afraid we will become attached, because we already are.  We knew we would become attached to our kiddos, but it shocked us how quickly that process occurs.  It happens in minutes and seconds, not weeks and months.  Attachment is what these kids need, and becoming attached to them is healthy for them and us.  Yes, it makes it more difficult when the kiddo leaves your home, but this is what we signed up for.  We knew what we were getting into when we became foster parents. We knew that there were going to be good days and bad days, and that if the system is working effectively, eventually our kiddo will leave our home, and it will be very painful.  We will grieve when that time comes, but until then, we will focus on raising our kiddos and being attached, proud, parents who love their kids unconditionally.

Attachment is what these kids need, and becoming attached to them is healthy for them and us

We Don’t Take It Personally

We know when people make these statements, they mean well, and we don’t take it personally, but they are coming from a place of misunderstanding and can come across in the wrong light.  Although I have no personal experience with this, and I will admit that what we encounter is way less inappropriate, but it seems akin to an able-bodied person telling a handicapped/handicapable person that “it is amazing how far you have come, despite your handicap”.  This comment basically negates the fact that humans are humans and people are people, and we should appreciate them for who they are, and not define them by our differences.  These children in Foster Care are in the system at no fault of their own.  These children in Foster Care, are children, plain and simple.  If the system is working properly, and people are becoming foster parents for the right reason, there should be no difference in love and appreciation in a home for a Foster Child, an Adopted Child, a Bio-Child, an IV-Child, a Medically Fragile Child or any Child. They are all children who deserve unconditional love and a safe home.