Why I Do This – Aaron

“Why do you do Foster Care?”

This question comes up repeatedly, but it always seems to catch me off guard.  I think the first time I heard a variation of this question, it was asked by our Certifier on the first day we met her. When she asked me, I froze. I felt like I didn’t have a good answer. To this day, I don’t know if I have a good answer. It feels like a question that can’t have a good answer, let alone a “right” answer. There are so many reasons why I am a foster parent, but at the same time there is also no one real reason why I am a foster parent. The answer I have settled on, at least for now, is “because I can”.

Kids Need to be Loved

If I am being honest, I never really thought about being a foster parent until we began the process of being certified. Jewell was the one who had been personally thinking about it, and ultimately proposed the idea to me. She had thought about it for years, waiting for the time to be perfect (as with almost anything, the timing is never perfect), and by the time she asked me if it was something I would be interested in, she was already mentally prepared. I was the one who was cautious and apprehensive.  I agreed to go to the initial orientation to try and understand what we would be getting into, but I put A LOT of “out clauses” in my agreement to go to the orientation, to make it clear that I was not making a commitment. However, after the orientation class, and to this day, I am completely on-board.  These kids need someone to love them and care for them.

I put A LOT of “out clauses” in my agreement to go to the orientation, to make it clear that I was not making a commitment

So I guess that is a reason… because these kids need a safe place and to know that they are loved, and I can do that.

Because I Can

We have the means, we have the resources, we want to help, we like kids, and kids need help. Given those scenarios, it made sense for us to do it.  Jewell and I try to be conscious of the fact that throughout our life, we have been privileged and very fortunate, and given our current situation, we have the ability to provide for foster children. I think this goes under the category of “because I can”. This is not to be confused with “giving back, charity, or altruism”. There is no way we could do this if we did not get joy, love and fulfillment out of it. We would not be doing this if we did not get joy out of doing it. Fo us, being foster parents is not a selfish act, but it is definitely not a selfless act.  As many people will tell you, and as we were unaware before fostering, being a parent (bio, foster, step, adoptive, or any other form) is something amazing, no matter how difficult it is.

There is a Need

On a lot of social/political issues, I, and I think a lot of other people feel that “I don’t have to actively participate because if I don’t, someone else will”.  One thing that I learned during the certification process is that right now, in Oregon, that is not the case.  The Foster Care System in Oregon is in a crisis. This crisis is multi-faceted, but one aspect of the crisis is that there are not enough homes and beds for the children entering the system. As I listened to the news, I also heard unthinkable stories about the conditions some foster kids are exposed to in the foster homes that are available. I was taken aback that not only is there a lack of homes/beds for children,  but even for the kids that are placed in a home, some are still not receiving the love and care they deserve. After really wrapping my head around this, it became clear to me that this is a real social injustice, and despite my hope that it would be solved by other people, right now, that is not the case.  For a moment I wondered why other people were not stepping up, but soon realized that we weren’t either… but we could. So we gave it a shot. For us, it was a great decision.

this is a real social injustice, and despite my hope that it would be solved by other people, right now, that is not the case

I Don’t Know, but I Love it

Plenty of people have their first, second, third, (…fourth?!?!?!) kid without making a “conscious” decision to be a parent (again). If you have a bio-child, societal norms allow friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers to walk up to you and say “congratulations!”, no matter what the circumstances behind the birth. Although I have not experienced it yet, I would imagine that having a bio-child, no matter the circumstance; planned or unplanned, healthy or not as healthy as you hoped, easy or difficult, no matter what, you would be excited, in love, and loving toward your child.  I also would bet that very few people would walk up to a person pushing their toddler in a stroller and say “why did you decide to be a parent?”, yet essentially, we are often asked basically the same question; “why did you want to be a foster parent?”.

As I imagine new and expecting parents feel, especially those who were surprised by their new arrival, it is hard to put into words how you are feeling, and there are many feelings. When I am asked “why did you want to become a foster parent”, it is hard to put into words, but it is easy for me to explain why I love the kiddos; “this is my family and I love my family”.

I Don’t Know

Honestly, I guess this is a question that I feel I shouldn’t have to answer. I don’t think I should have to answer it because just like bio-parenting, there is no “good” answer, no “right” answer, and no “easy” answer. It is, or can be, many different things; a personal decision, an unforeseen or unintended consequence,  possibly an in the moment decision or maybe an overly analyzed decision, or any or all of the above. It could be a lot of things, or nothing, or one thing. For me, “why” is not important. What is important is that now we are doing it, and we love the kids.

For me, “why” is not important. What is important is that now we are doing it, and we love the kids.

I read a quote once, I can’t remember who said it, but it went something like “I don’t know what I think until I write it down”.  This process of writing down why I am a foster parent has been a good exercise for me. At the end of the day though, I guess my answer still is just “because I can”. Maybe a more appropriate answer is;

“Because Jewell introduced me to the idea of being a foster parent, and after talking it over, we realized that it is something that we have the resources and means to do.  After looking into it further, we realized that there was a severe need for qualified and loving foster homes for children in Oregon, and that there is limited number of people making the jump into being foster parents. We felt that if we didn’t do it, with all of the resources we have, than who would.  Also, not only do we have the resources to do it, we also enjoy caring for kids, so it is a win-win.”

To read Jewell’s post on why she is a foster parent, click HERE